In late July 2012, I was driving along, headed to work, and I was overwhelmed by my sin and didn’t think I could ever be forgiven. I just figured it was easier to give my finger to God and yell, “F you!” than to work for my forgiveness. This was such a significant memory in my head that I remember that I was driving on Foremaster Drive looking down at Dixie Hospital and that it was 4:00 PM.
As a Mormon, I had been taught that we were not truly forgiven until we have done sufficient work to compensate for our sin. The problem with this way of thinking is that one never knows how much is enough. This was my problem and it caused me to give up.
Truly considering all the things I had done wrong and all the things that had been done to me (I'd go deeper into this, but it's really personal) I felt like absolute trash. To me, I was either going to outer darkness, if Mormonism was true or going to complete annihilation if Atheism was true. I had never considered that there might be another though or solution. This caused me to start thinking how parents treat their children, but I will get back to that later.
I went to the convenience store and bought a packet of two Tylenol PM. I had been reading up on what a Trazadone overdose would do. I read that there were some really good chances of it killing a person and it was almost guaranteed with alcohol. For some reason I was scared of alcohol, so I bought the Tylenol PM instead thinking it might do the trick. When I got home, I swallowed the two Tylenol PM and nearly an entire bottle of Trazadone, which is used to treat depression.
Two weeks after my suicide, I met a Christian who asked me questions about the LDS church. I stilled tried to defend the LDS church, even though I had told God to F off. In fact, I always equated God and Jesus with the church - God is Jesus and Jesus is the church and the church and church is God and Jesus is God. The Holy Ghost is just some guy that's a lesser God that floats around and comforts some of the people but only those who believe in Mormonism. I'm not sure why, maybe force of habit, I defended Mormonism, even though I had denied God (and the church) two weeks earlier.
She asked me about some beliefs of the LDS. I wish I could remember her questions, but I remember that on one of the questions I explained that the church and I were in disagreement. She asked me how I could belong to a church that taught it was absolutely true on every single issue, yet still, disagree with the church. This was sound logic in my mind. There was no argument other than to tell my friend, you are correct.
My friend challenged me to read the Bible. Reading the Bible, I still missed the point of grace. Grace had never been defined to me. I knew what a grace period on a credit card was, but I never realized that it meant the same thing in Christianity.
I had read a lot in the new testament and sought out a Pastor. I found Thomas Mertz on January 27, 2013. I told him that a true parent would accept their child, no matter what they had done and that if God is truly our father, he will forgive us. Tom agreed with me on everything I had just told him. On January 28, 2013, I prayed asking God for forgiveness of my sins and for a relationship with Jesus Christ. On January 29, 2013, I woke up with a resounding answer that I was free from my sin forever. I attended church, seldom missing a week, I think I missed two services. In June 2013, I was baptized. I do not regret my decision.
I hope what I have written will inspire someone and bring them to hope. Lastly, once I had accepted Christ, I knew that he was the source of truth, not a church. I realized that the LDS church was not true because its' prophets had been wrong on a number of doctrinal issues and they did not agree with the biblical version of grace. I could no longer live a lie. It was hard to leave friends and leave family members in dismay but I felt that my gain in Christ was a bucket overflowing higher in value than any earthly relationship.
